Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
