GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
