I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
