I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
