I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
There's always time for handjobs
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
