All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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