Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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