dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
...so i touched it.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Randomize
