I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
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