Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
