i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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