I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
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