hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
