but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
