My first STD was from a foam party
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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