You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize