a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
