She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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