I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
