Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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