I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
