Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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