I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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