God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
