Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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