Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
