i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just threw up on my dentist
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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