I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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