you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Drunk is a universal language darling
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
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