Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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