ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
