I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
