my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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