my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize