last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
