I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Soap is not a condiment
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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