it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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