I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
