Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
