Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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