I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
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