This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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