It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Barsexuality is the new black.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
He felt like a one man threesome
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
