I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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