Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
