Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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