I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
