two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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