Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
Randomize
