ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
