im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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