my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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