Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
