trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
