guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
You left your phone here
Wait...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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