cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
So many bounce houses so little time
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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