Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
