you didnt know i had herpes?
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
