i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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