I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
